super road to be smiley at least 2000 timez with me and my friends:-)

Work in progress!

Because it's hard to even write to myself

I have been thinking about what could be the reason for feeling so down, and maybe I am just avoiding solutions. The fact that I’m inclined to lean towards downer conclusions feels natural for me. Reasons might exist for my existence, and for my decisions, but I feel like everything is meaningless at the end of the day. I am living for the small bursts of joy, which happen occasionally, at least once every day. Today I could not bring myself to do the things I’ve promised myself. The inner guilt and shame was irrationally bigger than the seriousness of the situation. I have a job that makes me feel unmotivated and isolated. Previously joblessness, and undesirable work environments were both my enemy. It’s hard to imagine a more ideal situation, where I basically have “endless free time”. But I am not satisfied with online freedom. I crave not being forced in an office and sitting your time away not knowing what to do next. I feel like my time is always wasted, and I mix up real relaxation with stand-by time. With a conscious planning and determination of not giving in to the dark moments, it can be better. In the meantime I still occasionally do job interviews. Now that the market is shit, it’s harder to find a good position than I thought. I shall remind myself not taking myself as the culprit for all things.